well i was off today so i hung around the house til like 1 then went and got my car taken care off. then went home and drank before going to ayf.  after ayf i went back up to j's house. i had like the best time. we were home alone and we basicly made out on the couch till the roomie and bou came home.  so then we went up and watched a movie which consisted of them on the bed and us on the floor snuggle and kissing while a movie played. then we went back to the couch to snuggle somemore and then it was bed time. the offer was made for me to stay over but i didnt trust myshelf even though j swore nothing would happen. im trying to keep it slow because this one is a keeper.

id like to entitle this wonderful post " NEW!"  because that what this is all about. ok so the minor stuff ok new haircut, i took a shaver and cut it all off, well most of it like a week ago. saturday i got a new car its a 09 black mazda 3 with a rear spoiler and a sunroof.  i love it.  But most inportant to my mind right now is...... New "special person"    ya i know i said i would take a break after the breakup with , we'll call her J2, but i met J3. now that ive met J3 i realise out much i really didnt like j2. when i met j2 i thought this was what like someone felt like. i knew it wasnt love because i've been in love before. it was hard trying to get over j1 and i kinda used j2 to try and hide my love. but with j3 its totally different i really really like j3. i want it to shout it out to the world. i wont though. i made a promise to myshelf when i was still in junior high that i would never let my parents meet my girlfriend till we were engaged. that was right after the break-up with C1. i hide S1 from them and it lasted a very long time. i hide K1 from them and though it didnt last that long it wasnt because of them. when i started goign out with j2 i broke down and introduced them and among other things, her dislikeness of my family is what caused us to breakup. so ya im not going to tell the parents about j3 till it gets really serious. and i cant tell m1 because him and j2 are friends. so ya im telling all my readers that there is anouther J&J and we are going to be soo happy!!! oh in case you havent noticed i just got done with the most amazing date ever, and ya its like really late and i need to get up early but i dont care i cant stop thinking about j3!!!! i want to call but i dpnt want to wake j3 up just to have to say goodnight so soon. i cant wait till tommarrow i think i want to see j3 again tommarrow and hey i dont hafta work wednesday so then we can have oh so much fun!!!!!!!

 so ya ive been watching like alot of dawsons creek. its a great show and i plan to watch the complete series as soon as i get them. basicly is story or Dawson, joey, jen, and pacey. Joey and Dawson are childhood friends who now grown into adalecents. the show is liek their constant rubberband effect of them falling in love. first seaon joey is crushing on dawson but he has no idea because he all caught up in his relationship with the former slut who moves in next door. near the end of the seaon he breaks up with jen and last eppie he tells joey he likes he and the have like most amazing kiss.but alas with in the first few eppies of season number 2 they break up and she starts dating jack.  good thing for dawson that jack comes out as gay and he and joeys relationship ends. so anyways ya more broad less specifics. basicly the entire series one likes the other but their relationship never gets around. then to throw in the gears pacey and joey are on and off agian lovers and the series ends with her picking pacey instead of dawson.  jen dies the last eppie and gives her baby to jack to raise with paceys closet case brother. but ya the show depresses me so much because i keep being a moron and relating it to real life. the problum is i dont know who i am. am i dawson, am i joey, pacey, jen or jack? BLAH!!

so ya um real life. schools almost over, causeing me to be both excited im free yet so stressed on the future.  i need to do some xmas shoping ASAP too, not sure what im getting anyone yet.  Need to go home to do laundry, work with my parents tivo, get xmas tree decorations, measre the living room, and get back up to the mall for work by 4.  plus i need to start llloking for a job with in the next week. i was going to work at the carpet store any i had a few hours this week so i was hoping to not be in suc a money crunch.  anyways not doing that anymore.  brad decided to make the installers do my job. i dont think justin knows how disapointed i was, i think he is convinced im happy im not workign there. mainly ive been avoiding justin for the last week or two. i just need a break from life. 
i went out last night. around 130/2 i just needed to go, so i sneaked into our room grabed my coat and left, justin and sierra didnt even know i left. i went over to my collage parked and walked around for a few hours. i got back just before sun rise and watched dawsons creek till people started waking up.  i just cant sleep right now. millions of things are gogin through my had, many i cant really talk about.  i think im going to pack up my things and stay at my parents in a few days. get out of the apartment, go home and not be indepented make my own decisions. then ill go down to florida leave my stress behind. maybe ill get lucky and it wont be there when i get back.  
oh im thinking of wrieing a short story. its about a suicidal 20-something guy. it maybe might be kinda depressing at first but i think i can find a life lession from it.

 well i am now officialy the last guy in my class to be single. one of my friends from high school called last night to tell me he was gettign married and asked me to be in the wedding. so ya now i need to start writing my best man speech, and find a date to take with me.  i havent had a date for years and havent been in a relationship sence early highschool, how the heck am i goign to find someone to go with me.

ok here we go, this is my bi annual teacher eval. . ive been in classes for 1 weeks so i think i can give a good idea of my feelings on them. accounting is first. the class so far is pretty simple and easy, the teacher is pretty nice i liker but shes not the nicest ive had. 122 is next the class is kinda chalanging but the teacher is way boring. management is kinda like accounting the teacher is a old guy but he knows his stuff and hes cool so its a good class. linix/unix is bad though. i had the OS. and the teacher is a complete bitch. if she was hot i might have enjoyed the fact her shirt was see through and she had no bra on but i was just creeped out.  then comes 223 i like the lab. kinda chanlanging cuz its based on 222. i really like the teacher is cool and knows his stuff. he makes the class enjoyable. tech support is my last class. its simple and boring but the guy is funny so he keeps me entertained. so ya i really like my classes this semester. as you all know im liveing with J and S, its going ok, some chanlangeing but i think i can work it out. heading home to see my moms bday tonight. J and S hae first day today. ill tell you how it went later. so for now bye.

Probabilities
Have Forecast Me
A Troubled Being
Without Gravity

Probabilities
Are Expecting Me
To Cause A Scene
And Pay Penalties

Just In Case I Leave This World Without A Trace
Ask Them Not To Find Me
I Wanted To Be Erased
If Thoughts Of Me Visit You And Darken Up Your Day
Do Everything You Can
To Throw Them All Away

Probabilities
Like Vacancies
Have Tendencies
To Warn You More Than They Should

Probabilities
Need Casualties
To Burn Like Me
I Told You All That I Could

Just In Case I Leave This World Without A Trace
Ask Them Not To Find Me
I Wanted To Be Erased
If Thoughts Of Me Visit You And Darken Up Your Day
Do Everything You Can
To Throw Them All Away

I Wanted To Be Erased 

This is dedicated to all those ladies who never existed

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so she won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet he's wonderful, that boy she talks about
And he's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when she's with me
She says she's so in love, she's finally got it right,
I wonder if she knows she's all I think about at night
She's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can she tell that I can't breathe?
And there she goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
he'd better hold her tight, give her all his love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know he's lucky cause
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put her picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
She's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
She's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And she's all that I need to fall into..
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so she won't see.

ok so friday i worked with justin and sierra at brandon park it was alittle slow. sirra left early beacause she had a family thing to do so me and justin finished off. it got really slow once she left so we play a few rounds of pictionary. the first round we both had trouble geting the others word the second round it was real easy for both of us. anywyas then we had a rush so we never finished. saterday i worked with rose and david. we were really busy. i baged almost constantly all day long. plus we had a propane run out on us so we had to stop cooking for a bit til we got more. anyways ya um sunday went to church then me and justin and dad and dave went to sierras and loaded up the volvo and the suburban with her stuff, then went to justins and loaded up most of his stuff. the last stop was my house where the mothers were already busy geting the livieng room ready. we packed up pretty buch all of my parents livieng room to take to the apartmentand bunk on the car trailer. then all my electrontics and other stuff went in the closed trailer with justins stuff. we got up tot he aparmtent around noon and moved everything till about 3 then went for supper/lunch at some diner. then me and justin took connies car back where dave and rose met us and we took the trailer and suburban home after stoping at sierras to take car of the pets.
me and justin packed up tons of books and shelves and shipping stuff and made anouther trip up to the apartment. got there around 930 and we didnt leave til like 11. droped the trailer off then i got droped of.

monday i got up pakced up the last of my stuff then went to justin took down his light and did some toher things then went to smas club then headed to the apartment. i got me and justins room pretty much unpacked then i did most of the livineg room when the mothers showed up. the fiddled in the kitchin and the bathroom. just when they were really getting on my nerves justin came home and with in a few minites they left. we unpacked the kitchin and then i made dinner while justin got to work on the books. we stoped and had supper whiel watching hogans hereos. next we tryed to get the library put together but we were missing a few things so its not completely done yet. next justin unpacked his personal stuff while i watched a eppie of hogans and put together a bathroom shelf. some of the pieces were missing so we are just using the top but were used part of the bottom to put the air conditioner in so it wasnt worthless. around 10 we went to bed.

slept till around 5 got up around 530. im really ajusting slowly to liveing in town all these noises i cant figure out. like this morning i heard what sounded like a plastic bag moving for like half a hour. no idea what it was. i ended up goign into the livieng room and watching tv and cleaned dishes til justin woke up and got in the shower. once he was out i got in. after that we basicly colected our things for the day. i helped him carry empty banana boxes( he uses them to pack his books) into the car and we both left. he headed to work and i headed to pct to check my email get my fall scedual find the books i need for the semester and write this letter. not sure what ill do after this. guess ill hafta tell you anouther day.
ok thats all for now bye.

YAY we got the apartment
i spent the night packing and cleaning my room so now im all packed up. i got rid of like 5 baskets of clothes because i cant take them with me and i dont wear them so im not keeping them. i did keep like 5 days worth of clothes as back up in the back of my closet and some other stuff i wont need til winter. right now i have 4 very full baskets of clothes to take with me but i may take out some sweters and coats to leave here.my closet is very clean ( which is amazing because i havent clean it sence i moved in 2 years ago and some stuff is still there from when my parent were in here like 7 years ago. which is amazing because this level of the house is like only 10 years old) i have 2 boxes of junk im taking with me and 2 boxes im putting in the back of the closet. plus i made a list of the stuff ( big stuff like ferniture) that i have to take. so now im almost completly done packing all i hafta do is clean the small stuff once the big stuff is out that i cant get to or cant see.

im kinda nervous about moving because its a big step. plus im like really wondering what im going to do once my stuff is moved in. am i going to live there july and augest? what will i do with myself? how long is it going to take to get all the services we need for the apartment like eletric and water and tv? how long will i hafta go with out tv?!

ok thats it nothing else i can think of to talk about so this is the end of my post the rest is just a list of stuff (furniture) that i have.
microwave, mini fridge, a set of bunk beds, a couple end-tables, a lamp, a 3 cushin couch, a 2 cusin couch, a 1 cushin chair ( 3 things are set), um a chair, a 3X3 table with 4 chairs, tv, speaker system, wireless headset ( plug into headphone adapter on tv so only 1 person can hear tv{ very good if the rest are trying to study, listining to something, tuneing out noise coming from a bed room, or for when rest are sleeping and someone cant sleep}), anouther couch if we want it, a 3 light lamp pole thing, vcr/dvd combo, boombox, tv stand, vaccum, toster oven, kitching utential crap, other kitching appliences, oh and my desktop crap. atleast thats what i can think off hand.

ok the next few post are from my trip ill probubly make a few added comments to them but just so you know that im not like over writeing today. before i get to the task wich im finily bucking down and typing out ill do so ramblings. well today i got up and played ps. boy i missed it. and did some dishes and then went with justin and dad to drop off his car to get fixed. we goign to go look at apartments either thur or friday. tommarrow im going to go to the movie to see transformers. wednesday is 4th of july so im goign to be working. ive finilly slept through the night. the last few night i havnt been able to sleep because i was so used to sleeping over the trip. the dreams have started up again though luckly i was saved from the dreams over june. partly because of certain events happening during the trip that took over my dream time. the whole kaylee break up was pretty rough but i was pretty good at pushing it to the back of my mind that i dont even think acted hurt at all. i dont know what im going to do at the moment kyle was the biggest thing keeping us together, now that i know who is real father is i should feel free but for some reason i cant change my emotions quick enough. its going to be a while till out of my thoughts.

ok day 2 of the rest of my life. got up and im like so completly missing waking up next to my road buddys. i missed our walks to the restroom to brush our teeth missed eating together i missed everything. well having the internet back is cool so im not completly bumming.
anyways got up, took a shower, brushed my teeth ( all alone ) and then did some work to catch up on my clients. eveything went ok everyone made their payments on time so no one had to go on a collection errund. justin called so i finished up and got dressed.
like non of the clothes i wore durring my trip were clean ( or clean yet contaminated by being stored in a air tight bag with dirty) plus i didnt feel like wearing something ive worn so often so i put on my blue and yellow t (the one that has the hole in the back from kaylee) and i found my shorts with the paint stains ( on a TMI note i wore a pair of briefs and they really annoyed me either im wearing them too small or not right but they leave like no room at all, pouch way too small, no idea how justin can still wear them { or any male over 12 } )
um then i left and went over to justins and hung out there, then went to the movies. the movies was like really cool. um then went to best buy and got totaly ignored so i went to circuit city and got some load of crap about i need to buy all this stuff inorder to upgrade my cars speaker system. ill figure somethign out. anyways um then i went to the wine and spirit show and boght some smirnoff vodka and some jack daniels and some wine coolers and some malt drinks. then home to watch some tv.
anyways tommarrows anouther day dad gets home, then i think im gogin to be gogin out on the boat. if anyone wants to come call and tell me or atleast drop a hint.

okso im back from my trip ill get around to filling in my journal entries tommarrow probubly, working oin the email checking and myspace and facebook and livejournal and while doing that im downloading 10 hours of tv show to my comp to watch later . now im goign to finish my beer and go grab the camera to downlaod to my comp then ill upload them to webshots.com and facebook and lj and myspace and all those other sites. anyways ok write in a few hours\

well any minite now ill be getting in the car and headed to cali will be back in july. hope you all wont missed me because i wont be on the interent till i get back to seeya july 1st

Before we met, you showed me your diary.

I must confess that I am still confused by this sequence of events, as, I imagine, you must be confused by my decision to leave your life so suddenly. I've gone over everything in my head time and time again and I can't shake the feeling that, somehow, everything got mixed up. Though this may seem a flimsy reason to you, it is reason enough for me. I don't understand, so I'm going to leave.

Before we met, you showed me your diary and then we were having sex on the wooden floor of your living room. I still remember the way the plants filtered the sunlight and the sound of the tea kettle building up steam. Then our son was at the foot of the bed, asking me where you'd gone.

"I don't know," I told him, "I expect she'll be back soon."

Today I went into your study and found that you'd converted it into a gallery. The first photo of every roll of film we'd ever had developed was there, somewhere. I found that I could date every one, even the ones that hadn't happened yet. They seemed to go on forever, a jumbled mess of happy memories, each one partially obscured by blinding white light. I knocked over a jar full of tacks but when I went to pick them up I was overcome with vertigo and I had to leave.

We were making desperate love in your basement when you told me about spacetime. You said that the future is just as real as the past. You told me that just because you aren't there yet doesn't mean it isn't real. You said it was like Baghdad still being real when you're in London. You talked about personal time and light cones and folding space and I didn't understand anything except the way that your breasts moved and the way your breath misted in the cold. Then we were on a roller coaster and you were screaming and you said, "This is what it's going to be like all the time." A balloon seller lost hold of his wares and they floated majestically into the sky. It was beautiful.

After you introduced yourself, we resumed our date and I asked you again why you'd chosen a drive-in. You told me that you had a special soft spot in your heart for B-movies. You said that there was something endearing about the earnestness of it all. You said that they called out to our imaginations in a way that big budget films can no longer achieve. You said that all science fiction - no matter how dismal - was optimistic in that it assumed that there would be a future at all. We were in a board room and you were explaining to the assembled group of investors about the Machine. They were smiling and nodding. They didn't really understand but experts had told them that your idea showed promise and, after all, a war was on. The coffee tasted terrible and I kept fidgeting in my seat. You were radiant. No one thought to ask what would happen if the Machine broke.


Today, I watched an egg assemble itself on the kitchen floor. It made a strange popping noise as the last bit of eggshell attached itself. It flew into the air up and up and then came to rest on the counter. A helicopter roared overhead and our son came in and told me he was scared. I didn't know what to tell him. The war has begun and no one can say how or when it will end.

I remember your reaction when you read this letter. I remember how the last line, where I say "we weren't meant to live like this," brought a tear to your eye and you turned to our son and tried to explain to him that I was gone. But how could you explain? What does 'gone' mean to a child his age? Then we were lying together under the stars and when the first fireworks went off, you leaned over and kissed me for the first time. You tasted like popcorn. I can't blame you for choosing a new husband.

When you finally came back, you were younger. That was the hardest for both of us, I think. We didn't share the same memories anymore. You held me and told me that it would be alright, that you had hardly changed but I think that we both know now that that wasn't true at all. Time changed people. That's how it worked.

Today, I went down to the basement and stared at the Machine. I can still remember the day you turn it on. You'll stand in front of a crowd of reporters with our son and your new husband at your side and you'll give your speech about the tyranny of time and death and the triumph of science and about setting us free. But inside, you'll be thinking, "I wish he had been here to see this." I know this because, before we met, you showed me your diary and you wrote about this day. How could you not? It was the most important day of your life. You saved us from the enemy and ended the war. You asked me to stop it. There's nothing I can do. The future is just as real as the past. There is no before or after anymore. Because of you, there never was.

We weren't meant to live like this.

u havent posted in a while, not much to say i guess. um 2 more finals and im done they some planetside days. leaving june 2nd i think for the trip. will be back i think the last day of june. we really should have a meeting to decide what we are doing and where we are going and when and all those other things. um hafta start thinking what i want for my birthday. less then a month away and i still dont know what i want.im seriosly at clueless for something to talk about. ok im going to get up now and get ready for school. ill try to think of somethign to post later because i want to keep my post atleast somewhat regular. anyways bye

good news my teacher is goign to let me take my SBA today a 130... so i think ill be able to pass.
and im really excited to see emily and about going on the trip
oh and kyle XY is on....hmm kyle i kinda like that name, i think ill write that down.
um bad things... um 58 on my first attempt at my cisco final but we review tommarrow and then get to take it again so im not too worryed... i was kinda distracted worrying anout my sba to take the final.
ok um ill finish this later i havfta go take my SBA now...

bad day! today i had my SBA or was suppossed to. my schedual said my sba started at 10:30 so i decided to show up at 10:30. i got there areound 10:20 and the proctor was in the middle of class. i figured eh would be seeing as hes not our accural instructor. i figured we would have our SBA ( skills based assessment) in the back and he would check in on us every few minites. so i walked in at 10:25 and stood by the door and i was right he was in class. so i walked in and stood by the row of computers that his was class was useing. then i thought well your a hour early just go wait by our computers till he finishes with his class and comes over or comes to check on the poeple taking their SBA. so i sat there till 11 and he finished his class and they all left and a new class came in. he tough his class for about 15 minites and told them about a project they were suppose3d to do then dismissed them then he wrote in his notebook or gradebook or something for a minite or two then came over to check on chris. he was jsut finishing up and was about to sign out when the teach asked by the way have you seen "my name" and i raised my hand and said im right her. he siad you didnt show up for your sba and im like my sba doesnt start for anouther minite or 2. and hes like no it started at 10, you can start now but i havent even thought about which subnet to assign you. and then hes like ya you dont havbe any time and i havent even assigned you anything, you'll have to see mr "accual teachers name"
pisses me off. i sat around till like 930 because i dindt need to be there till 1130. and it really pisses me off that i showed up only 20 minites late and he totaly ignored me for over a hour then decided to tell me.
i dont know what im goign to do. if i cant take that SBA im gogin to fail the course. seems i fail at everything i try to do. i dont know why i even try. maybe i should just quit school and get a job. i dont even see the point in trying. maybe i'll get hit by a car or something. i'll be forced to take the easy way. probubly worth more to my family dead then alive. just a waste of the time and money and eveything else.
this world is just meaning less with out Sarah in it. and i cant even tell anyone about her.
well if i was dead that would put a damperer on the trip. i wouldnt want to ruin it for them. its the only thing im looking forward to in life, i wouldnt want to take it away from them.
i know people would say oh it will get better, and even worse " god would never cause you more stress and temptation and heartache then you can handle" or "god loves you andf thats all that matters" well guess what morons i want more then just god loveing me. i want someone who can talk back that will choose to love me for who i am.
then they'll say "well you parents love you" drives me nuts. sure they love me but they kinda hafta they made me. plus ive disappointed them so much im sure they wish they had a different son one that they could be proud of. i need someone im not related to give a crap about me.
maybe thats too much to think of. i bet your thinking to yourshelf oh hes such a spoiled brat he doesnt know how good his life is compared to others. hes just some spoiled depressed kid. they call them "emo". i used that would to describe my shelf to JH and SA. they had no idea waht the term emo ment. they thought it had soemthign to do with elmo from sesame street. i could have sworn it was SA that told me i looked emo with my black wig. guess it was Emily or SA's sister, anyways they were right im a emo hidden in the body of a ugly blond kid.
ok i need to stop writeing before i say smething embarising and they fact i hafta go to class.

as i look at all the reltionships around me , the ones that have been around for ever, the ones reviving, and the ones just begining i realise..... it should have been me
Dr John Dorien - reliseing hes still in love with eliot
many this show as become so sad. sure its really funny but this season i find myshelf finishing kinda depressed for jd, he thinks his daughter is dead, he watching the love of his life be engaged to someone else.

so ya busy busy me end of the year blitz. im kinda frustrated with my lack of will power i cant stop procrastinating.